TITLE: Angels Would Fall
BY: Zorya
E-MAIL: LunarMyth
DISCLAIMERS: Nothing is mine. I own nothing. Literally. Ummm...Joss & Co., Mutant Enemy, WB, yada, yada, yada... Melissa Etheridge "Angels Would Fall" and a quote from Alexander Pope, "What Reason weaves, by Passion is undone." So what, it's one of my favs. Oh yeah, and a few bits of lyrics from NIN and Celine Dion. (See if you can tell which is which *g*)
RATED: PG
CATEGORY: B/A angst
SUMMARY: Buffy's life isn't exactly what it seems and Angel makes that startling discovery. (Nah...isn't half as exciting as it seems.)
SPOILERS: Season 4
DISTRIBUTION: If you want it, just ask.
COMMENTS: This is a very depressing week for me. It's been a whole party of depress for me for a few days now, so.... I decided to illustrate that in a depressing fic. Well, it was depressing for me to write it, anyway. But the song cried out to me. It's a good song. The bad part is just my lack of creativity.
FEEDBACK: No flames. That's all I ask.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The rope that's wrapped around me
Is cutting through my skin
And the doubts that have surrounded me
Are finding their way in
I keep it close to me
Like a holy man prays
In my deepest hour
It's better that way


"Hey, Will," Buffy called out as she walked into the Student Union. The read headed witch was sprawled out in a sofa with books surrounding her, her fingers tapping away at her laptop.

"Heeyyy, Buff. What's up?" Her short hair was pinned up and falling down all around her face. Buffy tried to hold back a grin. It was the end of their first semester and obviously Willow was a bit more than a little harried.

"Not much," she shrugged. "Just finished my Chem exam. Which was a lot less than fun. But I was thinkin'...you...me...mochas? I'm needing a break and you look like you could do with a little caffeine burst yourself."

Willow grimaced. "I dunno, Buffy. I've got to finish studying..." she trailed off when Buffy gave her her "pouty" look. In reciprocation Willow put on her own mock-"resolve" face. "That face may work on Riley," she said, "but it has absolutely no power over me."

Buffy grinned. "C'mon...cinnamon...whipped cream...caffeine.... How can you resist?"

Will sighed exaggeratedly. "Fine," she said, closing her eyes and extending her hand. "Let's just say you kidnapped me out of the blue, k?"

Buffy laughed and picked up the laptop, gently setting it on the coffee table before grabbing Willow's hand and hefting her up. "Fine by me." She bent down to help Willow gather all of her belongings when she felt two strong hands grab her around the waist from behind. "What the - "

Riley laughed and picked her up, grinning when his girlfriend began struggling between berating him and laughing as he tickled her.

"You're making a scene!" she cried out helpless with laughter.

He arched a brow and looked down at her. "I'd gladly make any scene with you."

Buffy swatted at him and straightened herself. "I thought you had an exam this afternoon."

"I do," Riley told her. "But, y'know. I was walking to my class and I saw this extremely beautiful woman through the window and I just had to come in and see her in person."

"Oh did you?" Buffy asked, a small smile playing over her lips. "And who would this woman be?" she looked up at him playfully as she tugged on his shirt. "I think this little Slayer might wanna pay her a little visit."

Riley leaned down and kissed her on her nose. "Ahhh. You can't miss her. She's about...this tall. Kinda like you. And has long blonde hair. And gorgeous hazel eyes. Well...let me just tell you.... She was an angel."

Buffy punched him lightly and grabbed Willow's hand. "Go take your test, lover boy. I can only take so much flattery in a day."

He rubbed his arm mockingly and blew her a kiss before turning around and loping off to his building.

"You two are just so cute," Willow said, sidling up to Buffy as they walked out of the Union.

"Ya think?"

They skipped down the steps and headed over to the campus' number one hot spot -- the Java Jive. "You're kinda like bunnies," Willow said. "All cute and sweet. Kinda nauseating at times...."

"Will!" Buffy scolded as her best friend laughed.

"So. How are things, really? I mean, I know we don't see each other 24/7 like we used to. And...and I don't get to patrol all that often with you anymore. So what's up in the Wide Wacky World of Demons?"

Buffy wrapped her arms around Willow's textbooks as she hugged them to her chest. Her fingertips ran over the soft black leather of her jacket and she shrugged. "Not too bad. Nothing too scary showing its face around the Hellmouth."

They stepped into the cafe and set their books down on one of the high tables. Willow backed up for a moment and eyed Buffy critically. "Buff -"

Buffy pulled the jacket tighter around herself and looked at Willow defensively. "What? It's cold, Will. I had to wear something...." Getting out her wallet, she walked up to the semi-crowded counter.

"The only person I know who owns more clothes than you is Cordelia, Buffy," Willow said, stepping up to stand behind her friend.

Buffy feigned fascination in the menu above their heads. "It's just...comforting, okay, Will?"

"It's just Angel's, you mean."

Buffy turned around. "Is it so wrong of me to want to hold on to a little part of him?"

"I just don't think it's healthy, Buffy. Especially since you and Riley are getting so close."

She shook her head and tried to make her friend understand. "Wearing a jacket does not invalidate my relationship with Riley, Will. I like him. A lot. But jacket or no, I still love Angel. That's never gonna change." Buffy turned and stepped up to the counter, ready to order. "I just don't know why everyone can't seem to understand that," she muttered under her breath. She paid for her mocha and stepped to the side, waiting for Willow.

"It's not that we don't understand," Willow said as they walked back to their table, not willing to let the subject drop. "It's just basic psychology. How do you ever expect yourself to fully move on while you're still holding on to Angel?"

Buffy twirled her straw in her drink. "It's a reminder, Will. A reminder of...mistakes. Of sins. Of Angel, yes. But I can't go back and we both know that. Everyone knows that. If I had to go back and do it all again...I wouldn't change a thing. And that's a scary thought for me. Having him close to me...even just superficially...reminds me of why things have to be this way. That's all...." She took a sip of the sweet drink and looked out of the big, glossy window.


So I’ll come by and see you again
I’ll be such a very good friend
Have mercy on my soul
I will never let you know
Where my mind has been


"Angel. Earth to Angel! Hey, Dead Boy!" Cordelia's voice woke him from his reverie.

"What is it now, Cordelia?" he asked wearily.

Cordelia frowned down at him. "Gee, don't even pretend you're happy to see me."

Angel arched an arrogant brow and peered up at her, waiting to hear the reason she'd barged into his office. The answer was not long in coming.

"Oh don't tell me you forgot." At his clueless look, Cordelia sighed and perched on his desk. "You. Me. Big, bad Hellmouth. You promised to take me to Sunnydale this weekend. And..." she glanced down at her watch. "It's approximately 12:01 now. It's officially Saturday and the weekend is here. So bring me."

"Cordelia, I have some things to do..." he tried to explain to her. But she knew it was a lie. She worked for him. She knew everything on his schedule. He didn't want to go to Sunnydale. He didn't want to see her. But he had promised....

"Don't give me that, Angel. I'm packed and ready. It's not like we can leave this afternoon. Soooooo. Bring me."

"Cord-"

"No," she said, jumping off of his desk. With her hands on her hips and her dark eyes twinkling with determination, Angel knew he couldn't back out of it. "I don't want to hear your excuses. So you're afraid of Buffy. So what? I told Willow that'd I'd be in Sunnydale for their little post-exam party, and I will. Now. Bring. Me."

Angel stood up with barely contained anger and picked up his keys. "I'm not afraid of Buffy," he said tightly as he stalked passed her.

"Sure you aren't," Cordelia chirped, following him out of the office. "And I'm really not in love with Doyle," she shot at him.

Angel halted in his tracks and turned around slowly.

Cordelia's eyes opened wide and her hand flew over her mouth. "No. Wait," she said as a blush stole over her cheeks. "I meant that...that the chances of your not being afraid to see Buffy again are about as high as...as the chances that I'd ever fall for that sleazy, drunkard...rude...demon you call a friend." Without a glance backwards, she moved by him and proceeded to the elevator.

Angel had to chuckle. His two friends hated each other with a passion and he had no doubt that one day soon he'd walk in on them sparring on a more...intimate level.

"I don't know what you're laughing at," she told him as the elevator doors closed. "It's not like I'm the only pathetic case here, Mr. Likes-to-Brood. In case you haven't noticed, black is out for the season. And just because you're a vampire doesn't mean you can't lead a normal and happy life." Angel shot her a look. "Oh. Yeah. Right. Well...you could at least smile sometimes. It's not like leaving Sunnydale was the end of your unlife. Lots of people would consider it to be a blessing."

Angel was quiet as they made their way out of the building. His car was parked right outside and after opening the door for her, he slid in easily and started the ignition. With a squeal of his tires, he pulled off and headed back to Sunnydale. Back to everything he'd left and vowed not to think about.

Which was a lie. He thought about Sunnydale...the Hellmouth...Buffy...every waking moment. And in many of his dreams. Yes, he'd moved on. He was living a productive life in Los Angeles, running a detective agency with Cordelia and Doyle, but that didn't mean that she wasn't always present in some part of his mind. Or heart.

He'd heard she was with a new guy now. Riley Finn, he believe his name to be. He hated that name. Yet in a way, he thanked God for the boy. Buffy had been traveling on a downward spiral ever since he left, and Cordelia made it sound as if this boy...this human boy...had saved her.

Saved her. From herself. From Angel. Something he could never have done, no matter how hard he tried.

He switched on the radio, his long fingers tapping on his steering wheel to the luscious sounds coming from the speakers.

*...Lay my hands on Heaven and the Sun and the Moon and the Stars while the Devil wants to fuck me in the back of his car...Nothing quite like the feel - *

*...I'll be waiting for you...Here inside my heart...I'm the one who wants to love you MORE...*

Angel winced as Cordelia switched the station and started singing along. He leaned forward and turned the radio off. "Silence.... Is good. Why don't you get some sleep? I know you've been working all day and it'll be a couple of hours before we get to Sunnydale."

Cordelia nodded and tried to hold back a yawn. She snuggled down into the soft leather seat and within minutes she was fast asleep, snoring softly. Angel looked over at her and smiled softly. She really wasn't such a bother. She was the only thing that had kept him sane after the move.

And she was the reason he was heading back...home.


Angels never came down
There's no one here they want to hang around
But if they knew
If they knew you at all
Then one by one the angels
Angels would fall


He stood in the shadows, watching as they all laughed and hugged and cried and laughed some more. He knew the fold was open if he so wanted to join in. But he couldn't. He contented himself to watch from the sidelines as he'd done for so many years before.

"Cordy," Buffy laughed as she picked a piece of popcorn out of the tall brunette's hair. "You haven't changed a bit. You still incite Xander to appalling levels," she grinned and threw the popcorn back at Xander who was sitting on the floor, his back resting against Willow's legs.

"Hey," he cried as it fell into his drink. "I'll have you know it takes a special kind of girl to...incite my passions."

Spike snickered. "Inflatable?"

Angel watched as the old Scooby Gang, plus Spike, lounged around Buffy's living room. It had taken him approximately twenty minutes to realize that her boyfriend wasn't going to show up. It made him feel guilty, but at the same time he had an overwhelming sense of relief. He wouldn't have known how to react around Buffy's new beau. He couldn't be jealous. This is what he'd told her to do. Of course, how many times in the past had she actually obeyed him?

They'd probably held a meeting just to decide whether or not to have the boy over. He could almost see them huddled around the kitchen table. Rumor had it Spike refused to have Scooby meetings anywhere else. He had a special cabinet in the kitchen just to himself that was perpetually stocked with hot chocolate and little marshmallows.

She was so beautiful. It had only been six months since he'd seen her...weary from battle...her figure hazy in the cloud of smoke that separated them...but her beauty and life were imprinted upon his soul. Her smile still made his heart fly and her eyes far surpassed the glow of the sun he had not seen in ages. It had taken the love of this little woman to show him that the world was not all bad; that there was a meaning to life that might not always be understood, but was there nonetheless. And his purpose was to make amends. Angel knew that his soul was marked. He was a demon and he'd done heinous things. He would never be clean, pure, of his sins, but he could atone. Perhaps in the chance that he found himself in the Great Beyond someday. He was immortal, one of the undead. Yet there was a chance that he might come to the end of his own existence one day. The thought wasn't so impossible. Only months before he'd been lying on his own death bed. Yet he didn't fear death. He knew that being in Buffy's arms was the closest to Heaven he'd ever be.

He smiled at the thought as he watched the younger people interact with each other. She was his angel. It astounded Angel that other people were just now beginning to see the light within her. Then again, perhaps they always had. Perhaps he'd just been the one standing in her way. Holding her back from everything that she wanted and deserved. He saw the smile that entered her eyes when Cordelia asked her about Riley; he felt the blinding pain and acceptance of the fact that she loved someone else.

If ever Angel despised his existence, it was when he thought of Buffy. If only...so many "if only's"....


I've crept into your temple
I have slept upon your pew
I've dreamed of the divinity
Inside and out of you
I want it more than truth
I can taste it on my breath
I would give my life just for a little death


Her footsteps rang out in the open space of the mansion. There were no lights to brighten the darkness, so she let the shadows wash over her. It wasn't like she wasn't used to it.

"Can you hear me?" she asked softly. Her voice wavered like a dying candle, though it echoed off of the bare walls. "You came back. You weren't supposed to come back."

Buffy kneeled down in front of the large hearth, her tiny frame enfolded in the big leather jacket. "I cried for you," she whispered. "Lived for you...died for you. And you weren't supposed to come back."

Her fingers toyed with the silver cross around her neck. "I did what you asked. What you told me to do. So why does it feel so wrong now? Why can't I look at you without wanting to lose myself in you?" She laughed softly. "If they all knew.... They'd think I was crazy. Maybe I am. I come here...and I feel you. I see you. I breathe you. And I don't want to stop," she cried, her voice husky and ragged. "Willow. She wants me to be happy, to move on. With Riley. And Riley. He's so sweet...and understanding...caring.... But he's not you. No one will ever be you....

"How could you do this to me?!" she raged. "How could you? How could you...see me...and love me...and MAKE ME LOVE YOU!" she screamed. "And then leave me....? I don't understand," she said, shaking her head, her heart throbbing with confusion.

"You see, that's what I don't understand. Why? If you were just going to leave me...why did you have to make me love you? Because I can't go back. I don't want to go back.... But I look forward, and all I can see is you. All I want is you. And you're the one thing I...can't...have. No, I know you didn't make me love you. From the moment you walked into my life, I couldn't have stopped it from happening. I need you, Angel. My life...."

She ran her fingers through her long blonde hair and massaged the back of her neck as she gazed upward, her eyes roaming over the ceiling and walls. "It's so hard," she told them. "So hard to keep pretending. I feel like I've been pretending all of my life. When I was little, I used to pretend that I was part of a perfect, loving family. And when I found out I was the Slayer, I pretended I was still a normal girl. And now...I have to pretend that I'm still alive, still the same old Buffy. But with you...with you I found the truth. And it's so hard to let that go.

"You are an angel. My Angel. Your life encompassed me in its light...and its darkness. You're my Heaven. And now I feel so lost. I...I don't know where to go, what to do."

She laid down on the cold, hard floor and curled up into a ball, the tears streaming down her cheeks and dripping off the edge of her nose. "Angel," she sighed brokenly.

"Why couldn't you just take me with you? I'd...I'd give my life ...to be with you...."


So I’ll come by and see you again
I’ll be such a very good friend
I will not look upon your face
I will not touch upon your grace
Your ecclesiastic skin


Angel watched her from the shadows of the mansion. She was so fragile, so delicate. Her cries tore at his heart. She'd seemed so happy...so...perfect. So normal. Was this truly how she felt inside? Was this the torment she put herself through...night after night, day after day? He wanted to reach out, to hold her, to tell her everything would work out all right.

To tell her he loved her.

To tell her he'd never leave her side.

To tell her that they would be together forever.

He shouldn't even be here. The thought cooled his ardent whims. He was risking everything, being here. Then again, he hadn't known she would come. No, that was a lie. Somehow, he'd known she'd be as unable to stay away as he was. Or perhaps he'd felt that she'd been here many times. Her presence permeated the air and he'd felt her long before her shadow had graced the doorstep.

But he'd leave her.

They'd exchanged perhaps ten words earlier. But there had been so much left buried beneath the surface. Her eyes spoke to him. Her movements cried out to him. But as long as the words went unspoken, he could pretend everything was all right.

And he could leave her.

The moonlight poured into the open room, creating an unearthly glow around her small body. Her long hair was like a river of gold, or perhaps it was her lifeblood, seeping away slowly as she cried. The black encompassing her body reminded him of his own tarnished embrace that used to hold her so tightly.

What Reason weaves, by Passion is undone.

~I'd give my life...to be with you....~

She didn't mean it. In his heart, he knew she didn't mean it. As he'd known it would be best for her if he left. As he'd known that she longed to be normal. As he'd known that it would never work between them. She'd never uttered the words. Never dared to think the blasphemous thought. And yet here she was, crying in vain, asking him to take her...keep her...forever. Did she really think he could ever do that to her?

So frail. So tired. So angry and hurt. His golden angel with the broken wings. And who but he could heal her? Who but he could love her as she longed to be loved?

And yet, he couldn't.


I'll come by and see you again
I'll be such a very good friend
If I whisper they will know
I'll just turn around and go
You will never know my sin


Buffy wiped her tears away and stood up. It was a nightly ritual. She knew it was breaking her. Every night she lost a little more of herself to the madness. She was withdrawing more and more into her own world. She saw how it hurt those close to her, but she didn't know how they couldn't see. Couldn't see that she'd lost the one thing that meant the world to her. Why didn't they understand? How did you move on?

Buffy wasn't so selfish to think she was the only one who'd ever lost someone special. She just didn't remember how to live.... Angel completed her; he was her other half. And she didn't know how to go back to being only half of that soul. He'd left a gaping whole in her world and the only thing she wanted to do was to follow him into that void. But she couldn't. And she wouldn't. Not really. Too many people depended on her.

If she told herself the truth, she'd realize it was never about her. Her life had never been in her hands. She was the Chosen One. With that came responsibility. It didn't matter if her soul felt like it was dying. She understood that there was only one choice. How many times had her friends pointed that out to her? Her happiness came last and that was all there was to it. She had to live with it, 'cause if she didn't...she'd be letting everyone else down.

Her fingertips traced over the floor. She kissed the object in her palm and placed it on the floor.

"Come back to me," she whispered. "Please. I need you."

With that, she turned around and walked out of the foreboding mansion.

Angel stepped forward from his hiding place, his feet subconsciously guiding him to the spot she'd occupied only moments ago. He knelt down, a fingertip tracing over the small silver ring that shined in the moonlight.

He stood up and held the Claddagh ring tightly in his palm, feeling her warmth on it, urging it to seep into his cold demeanor. He breathed in her essence as it lingered on the night air, then walked out into the ever-present shadows of the night.





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