TITLE: You Belong To Me
BY: Zorya
E-MAIL: LunarMyth DISCLAIMER: Joss, WB, Mutant Enemy....you know the drill. Also in the running are Sheryl Crow's "Strong Enough" and a quote by W.H. Auden.
CATEGORY: B/A
RATING: NC-17 (towards the end, as most of mine are)
DISTRIBUTION: If it's something you want, just ask.
SPOILERS: A few Season 4 Spoilers, but how I manipulate them is my own twisted business *g*
SUMMARY: Buffy finds out that the curse on Angel's soul is nonexistent and it's up to her to break the news to him. But to do so she has to find the strength within herself to come to grips with the fact that love isn't always predictable.
COMMENTS: I'm so fed up with all this "Buffy sleeps with Parker" and "'She *was* my first love...it *was* real'" and Kate and Riley and...just...Blasphemy shit. It's just.... Grrrr....Arggg
FEEDBACK: Please, I crave it, I need it, I get a happy just thinking of it.


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"You don't know what you're asking me to do," she said helplessly. But she didn't have the strength to fight anymore. She didn't have the will.

"I know exactly what I'm telling you to do, Buffy," Willow said with no small amount of exasperation. "You know you're the only one who can do this."

"But. But. Giles!" Buffy said triumphantly.

Willow sighed. "Sabbatical."

"What?!" Buffy cried. "Watchers can take sabbaticals? I thought there was some rule about a Slayer being left alone? Oh, oh! That's right! Faith?"

"In Africa."

"Well who the hell is guarding the Hellmouth?" Buffy cried.

"Actually, Xander and Oz and Amy and I have been - "

"Amy!"

"She's at a conference until next Saturday."

"Oz."

"Not that I'm complaining -- well, yes I am. He absolutely refuses to leave my side." Buffy heard the love and smug satisfaction in Willow's voice and knew she wasn't really complaining. In fact, she could almost see Willow's grin as she spoke the words, her face radiant over the gigantic bulge in her stomach.

"Xander?" she asked hesitantly, not wanting to hear any more excuses.

"In traction," Willow said matter of factly.

"What?!?"

"Oh, you didn't hear...? Oh, well, no. I suppose you wouldn't have, since I'm the only one available to tell you, and well, here I am telling you."

It was Buffy's turn to be exasperated. "Telling me what, Will?" she asked slowly and calmly.

"Oh! Right. Xander got hit by a bus."

Buffy closed her eyes and counted to ten. "How did he get hit by a bus, Will?"

"Huh? Oh. He was on his way to get pickles."

"Pickles?"

"Umm hmm. And raspberry cream sauce," Willow told her.

Buffy tried to stifle her shudder. "Why was he...nevermind. Would you please just tell me what happened?"

"Well, I was having a craving. You know, I get those a lot. Oz thinks it's the baby. I think it's my mom's genes."

"Your mom's jeans? Wiiilllll...."

"Okay, okay," the pregnant redhead said. "I was having a craving, and for once, Oz wasn't around. I think he was still at school. Yes. And Xander was here with me. I swear, between the two of them, I never get any time alone. I tell them that when my water breaks, they'll immediately know, because it'll end up soaking one of them."

Buffy closed her eyes and prayed for patience.

"Anyway, Xander said he'd go pick up some food and on his way he got hit by a bus. It was horrible. And here I was, a bloated whale, unable to do *anything*. It was just an awful ordeal."

Buffy sighed. It was no use asking more questions. Besides, if Xander wasn't doing well -- or as well as possible -- Willow would have been more upset than she sounded. Which was not at all.

"Fine. Spike?"

"Brazil."

"I've got it!" Buffy exclaimed. "It's perfect. I don't know why I didn't think of it before! If you could just call - "

"I hope you're not going to suggest Cordelia," Willow said, instantly deflating Buffy's balloon of happiness.

"Why not?" Buffy asked, dreading the answer.

"She's on vacation. In Hawaii. With her - "

"Doyle?" Buffy interrupted.

" - new husband," Willow finished. "So I guess it's her honeymoon."

Buffy gripped the phone, though she was careful not to crack the plastic. "Don't tell me," she said with a resigned air. "Doyle."

"Yep. You know, I never would have pegged Cordy for the demon-marrying kind. Maybe it's his fashion sense...or lack of," Willow continued musingly.

Buffy was silent for a very long time, letting Willow babble on about the inconsequential ramifications of Cordelia's marriage to Doyle.

"But they seem great together. She likes to shop and he has tons of money. And when she just can't shut up, well, the man knows how to handle her. They're so cute together, Buffy. You really should see them. But, I guess you see now that there's just no one else but you," Willow finished, coming full circle in their conversation.

Buffy took a deep breath. Obviously Willow was right. "Fine," she sighed.

"Great! So, how's Paris?"

Buffy gazed out onto the terrace of her suite. Though it was night, the lights from the Eiffel Tower illuminated the dark sky, eclipsing many of the bright stars she so longed to see. "It's gorgeous," she answered truthfully. "The past few months have been wonderful. Peaceful. Well, as peaceful as can be when you're tracking down vampires and demons. But being alone...it's been good for me, Will."

"Sounds it," Willow said, happy for her friend. "You sound so much happier now Buffy. Really. It's like a miracle. We all thought...." she trailed off, not wanting to offend Buffy.

"I know," Buffy said softly. Her thoughts drifted to the course her life had taken after everything had gone downhill. "I know you were worried about me, afraid I'd remain a shell. But traveling, seeing the world, well it's just given me a new perspective. And knowing that Sunnydale was in good hands made it easier to get my own life back together. But it's been over a year now. I guess the trip had to end some time. Besides, Mom's been hinting that she wants me to come back. I guess now I just have a reason to." Not the reason she wanted, but a reason nonetheless.

"Yes. Believe me, we're all looking forward to seeing you again. And - and, it'll be like you never left. You know, without all the bad things happening."

"Right," Buffy said sardonically. "Yet I'll be inviting all the 'bad things' back if I do what you ask of me."

"I'm not asking," Willow said firmly and Buffy could almost see her "resolve face". "I'm telling you. This is what you have to do and you have to do it 'cause you're the only one who can do it. Capeche?"

Buffy shook her head laughingly. "Sure, Will. Whatever you say."

"Good," Willow said, appeased. "So, I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah," Buffy told her, glancing one last time over the City of Lights. "I'll be on the first Concord out of here. Promise."

"I've missed you, Buff," Willow said suddenly.

She thought of all the things she'd run away from, and all of the things she was running back to. "I've missed you too, Will."


=====


There was no place like home. No where on Earth, or at least the places she'd been, had ever been able to evoke the same sense of security and terror as Sunnydale.

"Home is where the Hellmouth is," Buffy quipped to herself as she lifted her carry-on and strode to the redhead squealing from her spot a few feet off. "Willow!" she cried out, dropping the same bag as she swept her friend into a strong hug, careful not to squeeze too hard. "You've gotten so big since the last pictures! When are you due?"

The women laughed together as they chatted and walked to the baggage claim. Though she'd been away for a long time, Buffy had kept her earthly possessions to a bare minimum. Besides her carry-on, she had only two other bags. One which was full of gifts for her friends and family.

"It's amazing to see you again Buffy. You look so great!" Willow gushed lovingly.

Buffy smiled and shook her head. "I've changed a bit," she said, tugging at the end of her long ponytail. Her hair had grown, she'd gotten thinner, but overall she looked ageless. Willow noted with a bit of relief that the sorrow and sadness were gone from Buffy's eyes. The haunting look in them as Buffy had boarded the plane so many months ago had never left her. "But I must say, you've changed far more than I have. Look at you! You're a family woman now."

Willow grinned. "Family woman with my own flourishing career, I'll remind you. Oz hasn't been wanting me to work, but I figure since my business is home-based anyway, there's no use getting lazy. I'm the headstrong one, don't ya remember?" Willow teased.

"Mmmm, I must have forgotten that point," Buffy smiled.

As they stepped out into the startling sunlight, Willow gazed up at her friend. "How're you holding up?" she asked softly.

Buffy looked around, breathing in the fresh air and taking in her surroundings, so familiar yet so strange. "I'm okay," she answered honestly, knowing inherently what Willow was asking. "It's not as hard, looking around, you know? I don't expect it to be as easy when I get home, but I'm better now."

Willow clasped Buffy's hand in hers. "I'm here if you need me, you know that." She hailed a cab and the settled themselves inside.

"I know, Will. I just.... Back then I only wanted to forget. It's still not something that's easy to talk about." Buffy looked out of the window as they began to move. "But it's not the end of the world, either. You just go on living. There's no other choice."

"You're right," Willow said truthfully. "I'll admit I was worried. And it was hard, with everyone else not knowing a thing. And I still don't think you should have - "

"Will, please?" Buffy asked gently. "I just got home. I really don't need a lecture right now on what I should or shouldn't have done."

"I understand. But some people," Willow said meaningfully, referring to Giles and Joyce, "deserved to hear the truth."

Buffy turned back to her friend. "You're right. And maybe now...maybe someday soon...I'll be able to explain things. To everyone. But as for now, there's only four people who know what happened, and I want to keep it that way."

Sunnydale was a small town, and the cab ride to her mother's house did not take long at all. The driver toted her belongings inside and she paid him, shutting the door as he left. The house was cold and empty. Her mom was at an art auction in New York. Willow breezed through the house, lighting it up and giving it a more cheery atmosphere. A beeping noise drew Buffy's attention away from her thoughts and back to her friend.

"What's that?"

"Hmmm? Oh, it was just Oz letting me know he'd be staying late at school again," she held up her neon pink beeper.

Buffy laughed. "You know, I really can't see Oz being a high school teacher. Even a music teacher. Especially at Sunnydale High. I'd have thought it'd be condemned as a disaster area by now anyway."

Willow grinned, her eyes softening at the mention of Oz's name. "He loves it. And the students are great. His students, anyway."

"It's funny how when you're an adult, your entire perspective changes," Buffy commented wryly.

Willow stuck her tongue out at her friend. "We're not adults. I refuse to believe it. It's just too scary a thought."

"Scarier than Hellbeasts and vampires?" Buffy joked.

"Way scarier. Too much responsibility. I mean, can you imagine...Xander as an adult?"

Buffy shuddered. "You're right. Way too scary. But come on. You're having a baby soon. You can't get much more responsibility than that."

"But it's good responsibility. Besides," Willow said, easing herself down on the couch, "it's part of me and part of Oz. Do you know how amazing the knowledge of that is?"

Buffy's hands fluttered over her abdomen and she turned from Willow.

"Oh, Buffy," Willow gasped. "I'm so sorry! I didn't...I didn't mean - "

"No, Will. It's okay." She smiled as she sat down in a chair next to her friend. "Just one of the things I've learned to deal with gracefully. I mean, I'm a Slayer. Wasn't like I was gonna have kids anyway, right?" Buffy couldn't soften the harsh note of bitterness in her voice.

Willow turned sad eyes on her friend. "You don't know that," she said softly.

"Look, Will. I can't think of all of the 'could have beens' and 'should have beens'."

"No," she said, getting angry. She'd developed quite a temper since she'd become pregnant. She liked to say it was a hormone imbalance, but Oz liked to say she just felt comfortable in hiding behind her condition. "But you don't have to take it on like a martyr. You shouldn't take all the blame."

Buffy tried to block her words out, but she couldn't. "Well, where do I lay the blame, Willow? Huh, 'cause I'd really like to know. There's no one person I can look at and say, 'There! He ruined my life! I'm gonna kill him!' It doesn't work that way, and if you hadn't noticed, the main perp skipped town. And I have no idea where he is, which is perfectly fine with me!"

"Is it?" Willow asked. "'Cause I just think that if it was me, I'd want to hunt him down and rip his throat out!"

Buffy stared at Willow, surprised by the vehemence in her voice. She couldn't stop the giggles.

"What's so funny?" Willow asked defensively.

Buffy shook her head. "I think Oz-wolf has been rubbing off on you."

Willow grinned. Any mention of Oz made her smile. "Why yes, he has," she practically purred.

"Willow!" Buffy gasped.

"What? I'm a married woman. I have the right to get a little -- or big -- happy now and then." Her eyes once again darkened. "What about you?"

Buffy sighed, pretending she didn't know what her friend was asking. "Nope, not married."

That didn't fool Willow. "You know what I meant."

Buffy sighed. "No. I haven't...y'know...just, no."

Willow frowned. "Buffy, are you sure you're over - "

"Yes!" Buffy told her. "Look, you wanna talk about it, fine. I was in love with Angel, I slept with him. Things turned out badly. I wasn't in love with Parker, I slept with him. Things turned out badly. I didn't sleep with him again, he...raped me, it turned out badly. I though I was in love with Riley, I didn't sleep with him, it turned out badly. Do you see a pattern here, 'cause I do. I just wasn't meant to have a love life. It took me a long time to figure it out, but I've come to the conclusion that, as a Slayer, I'm not meant to multiply. Now, I cling to that, Willow. Please don't ruin it for me. It took me years to get over the fact that," her voice broke as her tears threatened to overflow, "that I wouldn't be able to have children because that...that *bastard*...tore me up so badly inside. It's just easier for me to believe that I wasn't meant to have kids in the first place. And besides," she finished, her tirade weakening, "I haven't had *sex* since then, because I can't get near a man without shrinking away from his touch if he makes a move on me. Okay? So maybe I'm not completely over it, but I'm doing the best I can." Buffy sat there numbly as Willow stared at her.

"Buffy, I'm sorry," she whispered.

Buffy laughed mirthlessly. "It's not your fault, Willow. You've been great, through it all. You're my best friend. But I...I just can't...*be*...with anyone else."

Willow sighed. "Then I hate to bring this up, but - "

"I'm on it," Buffy smiled, her emotions once again hidden skillfully from view. "I'm leaving early tomorrow morning, so really, this is just a pit stop. Needed somewhere to sleep. With any luck, I'll see Angel, tell him the great news, and be out of L.A. by nightfall tomorrow."

The redhead grinned halfheartedly. "Really think it'll be that simple?"

"I don't see what's stopping it," Buffy said, the light in her eyes determined and sure.





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