Never in my wildest imagination did I think I would be writing this to you. I don't even know where you are, so I will have to leave this with Giles in hopes that someday it will find it's way to you.

You're probably wondering what this is about. I never was one to beat around the bush, as you know. So I'll come out and say it.

I'm dying.

Most likely by the time you get this, I will have passed on. I don't know what I'll be passing on to, but I always was one up for an adventure. I'll see when I get there.

I'm crying a bit right now. Not for myself, but for you. Because in my mind's eye I can see you reading this. I can see your brooding demeanor. See how you drop to your sofa, the pain excruciatingly obvious on your face. How you want to tear this paper to shreds, so that maybe -- just maybe -- it'll all go away. But it doesn't. I can feel how this hurts you, because I've felt the same way. But please, Angel, don't cry for me. Be as happy as you can be. Know that I've gone to a better place.

I know that you doubt there is such a place. But I know. I know there is. I doubted it myself once, but a clarity found it's way to my heart, and I believe. I believe because for one brief, shining moment I felt that place here. In your arms. In your love.

No, Angel. I never stopped loving you. I guess that's what this letter is all about. I need to let you know that you always have been -- always will be -- the keeper of my heart. I didn't want to let you go. But I realize now, as I must have realized then, that you could never stay. It wasn't that you didn't love me anymore, but that you loved me too much.

I know exactly what you're thinking right now. You're thinking that if you'd only stayed, if maybe we'd tried a bit harder, then maybe this wouldn't be happening right now. Or that at the least, we'd have had more time together. More time to love each other. But don't. Thoughts like that only bring more pain. I've had them all. Just know that I regret nothing. You shouldn't either.

For the record, I remember everything. I remember the first time I saw you. Wasn't that a laugh? You were so secretive, so sexy, so...absolutely infuriating. Whoever says 'love at first sight' doesn't exist is a moron. If possible, I think I loved you even before that. All I know is that from the moment you stepped into my life, nothing was ever the same. You changed me even more than being the Slayer did. I can't ever thank you enough for that. You were my saviour. You saw things in me that I never saw for myself. You helped me be strong. No, you were my strength. In your arms I felt loved and safe. Your embrace was my haven.

I remember the moment I found out that you were not all that you seemed. Or would that be that you were more than you seemed? I felt betrayed and hurt and angry. And not just because I thought you had tried to feast on my mother. And not because I thought you'd lied to me. But because on some level I knew I was already in love with you -- my mortal enemy -- and what could I do? I could never have killed you. But the smart thing would have been to walk away. We didn't. And even though we hurt each other countless times -- as could only happen in our being together - I wouldn't wish away a day of it. Or night, as the case may be.

I can remember in vivid detail the one night we were together. Of course, there has been no other to compare it to. I hate to say it, but I told you that sex was not an issue with me. Perhaps you felt that I "deserved" to have someone who could make love to me. All I ever wanted to deserve was someone who could love me -- and whom I could love in return. And you are my heart. So...here I am. You know, I'd always wondered how priests and nuns could take that vow of celibacy. Now I know. It is through the utter devotion to the sacred love that they have in their hearts -- in their souls.

I can still taste you on my lips. I can close my eyes and still see your body. You are so beautiful. I know you never knew, but so many times I'd lie awake beside you, mesmerized by your beauty. I could spend a lifetime just looking at you. But I'll admit it was much more fun to touch you. To feel your skin against mine. Your flesh so cold...and yet the way it burned me. And when your hands touched me, they never failed to drive me insane. Your touch inflamed me. I can recall every sensation of you being inside of me. You filled the emptiness within me -- in more ways than one. I've never felt so complete as I did when your body joined mine: hard and soft, cold and hot, strength and weakness. You are the other half of me. You branded me as your own. Maybe that's another reason I've never had another lover. No normal man could do that.

And I remember everything after that. The passion, the hate, the anguish, the pain. And I may sound selfish in the face of so many other losses, but I would not give up our night for anything else in the world.

I remember how I felt like I would die, the moment I thrust the sword into you. There was nothing left that I wanted to live for. In so many ways, you were my life -- as both Angel and Angelus. My heart was gone. And though I tried to move on, tried to forget, you were always there. Thoughts of you tormented me, and I relished them. To forget you would make my life meaningless. But you came back to me, back to us. I couldn't help but love you. We tried to make it work; I sincerely believe that. But deep down we both knew it couldn't. Not after everything that had happened. But I couldn't stay away. Never for long. Not when the sight of you made me feel like I was falling. My heart would always stop at a vision of you. And even if I didn't have my Spider-sense, I think I would know the minute you walked into the room. You made my palms sweat and my toes curl. Isn't that a sign of true love? To be quite serious, when you'd smile -- yes, you know the one -- you turned my world upside down. It was the saddest and most beautiful smile I'd ever seen. And I wanted to wipe all the pain away -- to make everything right for you again. I would give anything to see that smile of yours. And the way your eyes always twinkled when we joked around. Or the way they smoldered with passion and heat. You somehow just knew how to mark me with your gaze. But no matter what mood, there was an intelligence and compassion in them that took my breath away. The sound of your voice always beckoned an answering call within my heart -- even if I never voiced the words. But I think the thing I loved most about you...was the way you loved me. It was fierce and without pride. Deep and true. You denied yourself so much. For me. You saw my strengths and powers and confidences, but you -- like no other -- knew all of my weaknesses and fears and vulnerabilities. You never exploited them. You just soothed them calmly, always putting me before yourself. And never were you more careful with me than when I was in your arms. You were my best friend and my lover. And I knew, somehow, you would always understand me.

I remember when you told me that you were leaving. High school was almost over and Prom wasn't too far away. We were all so psyched. It was my Prom -- the one night I could get dressed up and be beautiful for you, to dance with you, to claim you as my own in front of everyone. I finally felt as if one normal night would be within my grasp. But of course, it wasn't. I don't blame you. I know it was a decision you had to make. And though now I can't see any other choice you could have made, then I felt so confused. I felt as if you were tearing my heart out -- and I couldn't think of any reason you'd be so cruel. I wondered what I'd done wrong. And for the second time, I thought I would die without you. Seeing you there, after everything we'd said.... I knew it would be the last time you held me in your arms. It was the last time I ever felt truly safe. And I think I knew then that seeing you dressed so gorgeously that night, was the closest that I'd ever get to seeing you as I always did in my dreams. Call it childish, but -- even knowing we came from two opposing worlds -- I always dreamed that one day we would get married. I don't say this to hurt you Angel. Only to be truthful.

When I thought you were dying, I went crazy. I tried to kill Faith. Wanted to kill Faith. Not only to save you, but also to punish her for what she had done to you. I suppose it was fate that I would be the one to cure you. And even if you had drained me, in my heart I would have been doing the right thing. I would give my life as long as I could keep you safe.

I remember when you told me that you weren't going to say goodbye. I couldn't even really process it, not with everything else going on. When I saw you after the battle -- so close, yet so far away -- all I wanted to do was run to you. But you turned...and you walked away. Forever. It's ok. I've always felt you with me.

It's funny. I'm wondering if I've written too much. But I know this will be the last piece of me you'll have. I want to make it worth having.

You've done so much for me, Angel. You've been so much to me. My only hope is that you know just how much you've meant to me -- how much I've loved you.

I know what you're thinking, now that this is coming to an end. You're thinking that had you gotten here in time, you could have saved me. Changed me. Please don't entertain that thought for one second longer. We both know it would cause us both nothing but pain.

I think I lied. I do have one regret. I regret not being able to be what you need. That I am not -- or could not be -- with you always: to soothe your fears, to be there when you need me, to love you as you deserve to be loved. All I can offer you now is the knowledge that my love for you will never die.

Yours till the end of time (and beyond),

Buffy Anne Summers, the Vampire Slayer

PS - Redemption is in your heart, and in my love for you. Believe.